Originally, there was "Become a fan." Then it became "Like." Both of these things seem fairly straight forward. However, when people start "liking" pages that begin with the phrase "I hate it when," what is the point? You don't like things you hate. You hate them. This isn't exactly a trick question. When your best friend looks at you and says "I absolutely hate that volatile, ridiculously dressed excuse of a human being," you don't look at them and say: "Like." Never in my life have I seen a person watch one of those animal shelter commercials where Sarah MacLauchlan sits with an adorable puppy on her lap while she begs you to take pity on poor, defenseless animals with no where left to go and only one eye and have them say: "You know what? I should make a facebook page for these poor, unloved creatures--made with love and care by God himself--so that I can click 'Like'." It doesn't happen. And yet it seems that the entirety of the facebook constituency looks at life's tween problems (and ones further into adulthood, I'm sure) and thinks to themselves: "Where is that 'Like' button?"
Furthermore, I have a Brobdingnagian-sized problem with all of these "likes" that include the term "real men." What is a real man? Are they men who have been around the block a bit (no dirtiness intended)? Are they men with their sea legs (a bit of dirtiness intended)? Or rather are they men who have moved past songs and dances and marionette strings? According to Facebook pages, real men love a single woman a thousand ways, they don't cheat, they are a little bit jealous (but not too much), and will let you brand them as yours on the internet for all your mutual friends to be excited about. What is that? Men are not golems. They are actual people. You don't create a man, you find one. Believe it or not, your perfect man is not a result of one of Rita Repulsa's weird putty-army collection gone terribly awry. The Charmed Ones will not conjure you a beautiful, loving, considerate, feeling-sharer to keep you company at night and protect you from all the scary things in the world that threaten to enlighten you. "Real men," whatever they might be, are fought for.
And for that moment when all of your facebook dreams are dashed and all your perfectly laid plans have gone astray, you can always "like" the classically pessimistic: "Don't fall in love, fall off a bridge. It'll hurt less." Oh the wonders that button has done for me. Just the other day I was actively contemplating falling in love. Oh, I was. I had a boy in mind and everything. Then, whilst randomly perusing the facebook clicks of my peers I came across the page previously referred to. I read it, ruminated on the idea it contained and decided: "You know what, facebook users are right. Why go through all the hassle of choosing a man and getting to know a man and kissing a man who will just break my heart and meander off into the sunset with his exotic mistress?" After which I scampered off to find myself a bridge. Oh, wait. That never happened. I'm not delusional.
Somewhere along the vast, ridiculous social networking that is Facebook, someone blurred the line between "Like" and "Dislike." I understand. The two are very similar. One means what you intend, and the other is the opposite. Anyone can make that mistake. Even more, millions of people have. I do not, however, intend to be a part of this massive misunderstanding of the definition of the word "like." I understand having a page all about domestic abuse. It would include warning signs, so as to help you be aware when a friend or loved one is being abused; a phone number so that you can get in touch with someone who could help get you out of the situation; a free video rental for Sleeping with the Enemy; and a current copy of state law with a highlighted section that reads: "Self-defense." I cannot, however, in any way, shape or form, comprehend the employment of a "Like" button. So please. I beg of you with all my heart: Stop "liking." You're becoming an oxymoron.
No comments:
Post a Comment